What I’ve learned in 8 months of being your mum

Today my little girl is 8 months old. I gave birth to her 8 months ago. But I became her mother the minuet that second line appeared. My whole life I wanted to have a baby. I wanted a tiny little person to depend on me. I wanted to give my child unconditional, insanely passionate, pure love. Pregnancy is not glamorous, Labour is so physically hard and draining. But nothing prepares you for motherhood. Here I was thinking I had this in the bag. I thought it was going to be so easy because I was great with children. Boy was I wrong. In these last 8 months I have felt every single emotion humanly possible but I’ve also felt love like I never have before. My daughter has taught me so many things, and given me real life lessons. This is what I know so far..

• Being a parent is like walking around in a maze blindfolded. You’ve got no choice but to figure it out if you want to get to the end.
• Babies are so resilient, they don’t care if your stressed or so sleep deprived your crying. They still just want you.
• Its okay, to not be okay. You do not leave the hospital with instructions. Your learning as you go. Your baby does not care if that nappy is on backwards.
• You have to take care of yourself, to be able to take care of your child.
• Your baby will always forgive you. You may have gotten a little annoyed because they threw the food all over the room, or they pulled off there cot bumpers for the 200th time, its ok mumma just breath. They still think your amazing.
• Nobody in the world will make you as happy as your baby will. I have times when I’m feeling crappy and all I want to do is crawl into that little cot and snuggle up next to her. Or I want to wake her so we can sing itsy, bitsy spider and I can hear her giggle.
• It gets lonely. Being a stay at home mum is very isolating, but being with your best friend every day is pretty awesome too!
• Let them be little. Everyone told me, don’t let her sleep with you, she will never grow out of it, I try to bring her to bed with us any chance I get. Before we know it she will be 10 and asking me to shut her bedroom door behind me, I try to take in every single second of her still needing me.
• Don’t beat yourself up. For months I kicked myself for my 29 hour labour ending in an emergency caesarean. I felt I didn’t “give birth to my baby” then when my body didn’t produce any milk, I felt “great I cant even feed my child” like I’m suppose to be doing. “Um my job is to make sure her tiny belly is full, nothing more. Fed is best”
• My parents were crap parents. As harsh as that sounds. Becoming a parent myself, I realised all the opportunity’s I missed out on as a child. And all the love and support I didn’t receive. Our child will never grow up and be able to say that.

I am still coming to terms with the fact I had a baby, it is so weird to look at her tiny face or little body and think “wow, I made that”.

But I did. Those tiny little kicks I felt that then turned into huge punches, for 9 months, that was her inside my belly. It is a very strange but amazing feeling. In these last 8 months I have watched her smile for the first time, seen her little teeth pop through. Heard her laugh uncontrollably when daddy tickles her. Taught her how to sit up by herself. Rocked her for hours trying to make her sleep. Heard her say dad, and watched the pure happiness she projects out into the world every day. Its been quiet a journey. We’ve cried, we’ve laughed and we’ve cried from laughing. Becoming parents was the best decision we ever made. I look forward to a lifetime of you calling me mum.

I love you beyond words.

Happy 8 months Evie Lee.

Fighting with mental health

Today I had the best morning. I forced myself to get Evie and I dressed and we headed for the park. Its actually the first time I have ever taken her to a park alone (yes I have the mum guilt) but it was fantastic. We had such a nice time watching the ducks swim. They actually only came over because they thought we had bread, once I took the photo they were out of there!

The last week has been a little rough for me and my mind. We have not been getting along. She has been telling me I’m useless. Can you believe that? Pfft me either! So I have really had to work up the courage to put her back in her place. And its working!! Sometimes our minds are like that bully you had in high school. You know they wont hurt you, but you just get sick of listening to them constantly put you down. There comes a time when you have to fight back. It could be something small, like going for a long walk and listening to your favourite music super loud. Or soaking in a bath tub long enough for the water to turn cold. You would be surprised at how much better you can feel from making minor changes. Another example is daylight. And I’m not being super cheery with that new day, new you crap. I mean actual daylight.

Its winter here right now and its cold and gloomy. I have been keeping our roller shutters closed all of the time. Mainly to keep the heat in. But it also just feels cosier to me. Not this morning though!! I was up opening those shutters as soon it was daylight. My house feels bright, and so does my mood. I always feel so much better when iv gotten out of the house, no a trip to the supermarket doesn’t count. I mean really out of it. Out of the mind set of housework, and shopping lists. Away from the large amounts of washing. And even the tv. It was really nice to just be outside for nothing more than seeing my daughter giggle on the swing. Oh and look super confused as to what the ducks were!

This motivation and good mood may not last forever, but I’m certainly enjoying it while its here.

Who knows, tomorrow I may be to anxious to open a curtain or I may go run for town Mayer. At least I know there are good days coming, and the bad ones wont last forever.

Get to know the girl behind the blog

Starting my blog has been amazing. I love interacting with other writers, and I love having my thoughts and feelings on “paper” so to speak. One thing about doing these type of things is that the pieces we write aren’t always directly about who we are, or the things we love. Our readers will have a sense of how we feel or our opinions but not who’s writing what they are reading. So I thought I would tell you some facts about myself..

• I am 26 years old
• My name is Bonnie
• I have an 8 month old daughter named Evie
• I live in Melbourne, Australia
• Writing is my passion, not my job
• I suffer severe anxiety and depression
• I don’t have many friends (which does not bother me)
• I have always wanted to be a stay at home mum
• I take medication daily for my condition
• I have the diet of a child. I live on sugar
• I could not live without coffee
• I stay home most days if I can (I feel safer)

Before I met my partner, I was a very lost young girl. I had a very rough child hood, and was never really shown much love through out my life, now that I have created my own family. The love I receive everyday makes up for those 19 years without it. Now I have enough to last me a lifetime.

I cant wait to get to know all of you!

 

When running away is not an option..

Today my postnatal depression is in full swing. I have no drive. No motivation. I just want to be in bed all day. I feel numb when my daughter cries for me. And it breaks my heart. As I watch her at this moment finally drift off after what seems like a lifetime of trying to get her to nap, I feel relief. glad for the silence.

Post natal depression for me is made up of two things.

Anger and sadness.

Anger when my daughter wont nap. Anger when she wont eat the food I have spent hours making for her. Pure frustration when she wakes every half an hour some nights.

But then I feel sad. Sad that I got angry. Sad that I get grumpy when I’m so tired. Sad that I just want 5 minuets to myself. I have days where I think I’m doing an amazing job as a mother. And then I have days like today where I feel I’m failing on every front.

The door bell rings. My daughters winter jacket has arrived, hopefully I can start taking to her the park. Even if it is freezing cold. But right now even that feels like a big job. Which again makes me sad because I know my little girl deserves a much better version of her mum. As I take my pills whilst preying they magically take these feelings away, and I can be a great mum again, I wounder if I will always have this. I did get diagnosed with anxiety and depression at the age of 7. And that never went away. hmmm? That’s not going to be fun. Its so hard to find things that help with PND. Doctors will tell you to exercise, but when your running on 3 hours sleep and your kitchen is a mess and your baby wont take a nap. Then what? Or find quiet enjoyments, the only reason I’m typing this out right now is because I’m ignoring the washing that needs to be put away.

In my last blog I wrote of things that help me stay sane, Tonight is the night I will take that bubble bath and ignore the world for a little while.

So I can wake tomorrow fresh, and ready to take on the worlds hardest unpaid job.

Monday morning madness!!

• Up at 4:50am
• Make breakfast
• Make bed
• Drink a lot of coffee
• Put away all of the washing from the weekend
• Get bub down for her first nap (more work than it sounds)
• Clean breakfast dishes
• Clean high chair and vacuum dining area
• Put toys away
• Attempt to get out of my pyjamas but bub wakes up
• Make snacks
• Put on a load of washing
• Second attempt to get into semi normal clothes (bub takes a tumble while practising sitting up) The world ends, and I’m still in my pyjamas.
• Hang out washing.
• Watch my 5th episode of Care Bears
• Put dinner into the slow cooker
• *check time* 9:05am.

Being a stay at home mum is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I love being with my daughter every day and watching her grow. In saying that, its not always rainbows and butterflies. Its more like smelly nappy bins and accidently stepping on sandwich crusts 20 times before you actually drag the vacuum out. Its a tough gig. Not only on your body, but your mind. Like every mother, I have days where I stare at my daughter after she has gone down without a peep. I watch her little chest go up and down, and hear her little bird like noises as she dreams peacefully. And I am utterly consumed with love. That warm feeling rushes over me like warm water, and I could cry with gratefulness.

I then have days where I want to cry with anger. Where being a stay at home mother is the hardest job in the world. The love may still be there, but its only just seeping through the small cracks of a broken wall. I watch her tiny chest go up and down as she screams her lungs out, And refuses to nap. Where I find myself walking around the house doing the same repetitive jobs I did yesterday. And the day before that. And the day before that. Thinking not sure why I bother, Its just going to be dirty again in the morning.

Living groundhog day, every day is hard. Its hard to keep your mind calm and your emotions in check. By the end of each day I’m not only physically exhausted I’m also mentally drained as well. Here are a few things I find help me keep my sanity.

• I allow my daughters father to take over on the weekends. (not in a lazy way, but everyone needs a break)
• I take long hot showers when hubby is home.
• Sometimes I leave the housework, set myself up in front of the tv, and binge watch Netflix while my daughter naps, because well.. I need enjoyment too!!
• I clean the shower, while I shower. Its two jobs in one, and doesn’t feel as big of a task.
• I wait till my daughter is sleeping, to serve dinner. Having that adult conversation at the table in peace is so nice at the end of a long day.
• I try to have a bubble bath with candles once a month.

Its not a magic cure, but its really the small things that matter. At the end of the day, you do what works as parents. If your child eats store bought pouches and not organic steamed veggies the only thing that matters is that their bellies are full. There is no guide to parenting, our children do not come with manuals. And you can ask every mother for advice but every tiny human is different. Just embrace the madness and do what’s best for you.

How do you get through your Monday morning madness?

Turning 26.

Today is my birthday. And it feels extra special to me because its the first one I’ve had with my little girl outside my womb.

Last night at 1am she was wide awake in her bed so I bought her into our bed. Thinking there was no way she would actually sleep with us, I persisted with the idea. Just so I could dose in and out. Within 10 minuets she fell asleep inside my arms. What a nice birthday present.

When I was a little girl, like most little girls I dreamed of having that white picket fence life. I day dreamed about baking fresh muffins while hearing the laughter of my children in the distance. I thought of having a husband who I would see off to work each morning with a kiss and a smile. I envisioned having the perfect Sunday roast each week and talking about our week ahead. I always wanted a big family as I grew up having siblings. And I enjoyed always having someone to play or share a room with.

I was lucky enough to find my partner at the age of 19. And have my daughter at 25.

If you would of asked me at 18 where I saw myself in a years time, my answer would of been a lot different to where I actually I was. I always seem to reflect on my birthdays. On the year that has just passed us so quickly. The last year has defiantly been the hardest but the happiest year of my entire life. And I wake up grateful every single morning.

Grateful for my daughter, Grateful for my fiancé, Grateful for the home we’ve built for her and for the life we live as a family daily. I feel as though I went through hell and back to finally have my life today, but I’m so glad I did. It made me strong and certainly appreciative. So do I have that white picket fence life? Well I have a fence, but its more of grey colour. Its small and its not made of pickets, but I do bake muffins and see my partner off to work every morning. Bring on 27!

Why I started writing..

When I was in grade prep, “story writing” was always my favourite subject. I would always find myself with bright golden stickers on my work, and a note from my teacher that read fantastic job. I don’t believe I had a knack for it, I had passion. A great imagination. And it gave me a sense of achievement. I would sit in my room on the weekend colouring and scribbling away, I could write page after page of the cliché once upon a time type books. And I loved it. I felt so proud…

Once I entered high school, I was failing every other subject besides English. Let me point out that my grammar and punctuation were quiet sad. But again, I had that passion that allowed my teachers to let it slide. Once I left school, I left writing. I discovered music as my new passion. which was great. But it wasn’t “mine” like my writing was. When I started to really explore my mental health and open up to it, finally accepting the fact I had severe anxiety mixed with a little depression, apart from medication doctors and phycologists would tell me I needed a hobby. An outlet. Something to express my feelings in a positive way. I thought long and hard. What do I like? What am I good at? Nothing came to mind. I had always felt like an under achiever, I left school so early due to family trouble, and having anxiety caused me to never really be able to hold a job. So this was a hard thing for me to figure out for myself. Quiet upsetting really.

My phycologist at the time, had asked me to simply write a list of what I thought were “nice things” about myself. Try doing that when your feeling down. But it only took me 5 minuets. And it went like this..

                                                                 I am..

I am kind

I am compassionate

I am friendly

I am helpful

I am willing to learn

I am enough

I remember going into that session thinking how embarrassing it was to be having to show her my list. After she had finished reading, She looked up at me and said, do you know I asked you to write a list and you wrote me a poem?

I never thought of it like that. She told me this is what I should be focusing on. I want you to just write me what you are feeling. I left that day with a purpose. I went and bought myself a fancy new book and I went home excited to write how I felt each day.

And I was amazed how great I started to feel. Fast forward to around 3 years later, life has changed. Now instead of writing “once upon a time” I read it to my daughter.

Life gets busy. But when I started to feel crappy about living ground hog day being a stay at home mum. I thought about what would make me feel good again.

And with my birthday coming up this weekend, I asked for a laptop. I now pick up my computer everyday and type out my mind.

It feels so good to be writing again, Happy birthday to me!

 

 

 

 

Dear Daughter

 

Hello darling this is your mummy writing this. There are a few things I want you to know as you grow and learn about this crazy world.

First off, I need you to know you are so loved. Both mummy and daddy imagined having you way before you were actually with us. And when we found out we were having you, we had never felt so much happiness and excitement.

Now that you are here, we have so many amazing plans for you. And will always make sure you have everything you need.

It is our job as your parents to always ensure you are not only loved, but safe. And that you feel wanted and always know you belong within our family  And you sweet girl, will always be our number one priority.

As you grow and get older, you will form your own personality, and identity and I already know you’ll have a ton of sass! I want you to know you always have the right to be free!

Free to feel however you want to feel, and be whoever you want to be. In life there will be times you fall down, and it will be a hard fall. But we will be here to pick you up, brush you off and help you start again.

There are things in the world you just can’t change, but you can always change yourself.

We have no doubt you will go so far in this wonderful life, and I hope you find your own colourful path, where your soul feels free and your heart at home.

I prey when your grown,  you meet a man who will love you unconditionally and make you feel like a princess every day of your life. Just like daddy has done for me. I prey you never know what true heartbreak feels like. And we will make sure you look back on your childhood and smile.

There will be times you don’t want to do your homework, or clean your room. And we may drift as you hit those teenage years and you think I’m embarrassing, but I hope you always come back to me, because I’ll forever be your best friend.

As you lay in your cot dreaming away at this moment..

My heart is filled with love and joy.

You my baby, are my greatest accomplishment and I’m blessed to be your mother!

 

Mum guilt, is it real?