I will get through this!

This last week has been really hard. I have felt extremely low, and sad. And for the first time in a long time its been for no apparent reason. I’m not even sure what brought this on its like a switch went off in my head and I woke up sad one morning. I’ve also had this stomach turning anxiety following me around, yesterday I actually had a panic attack and I couldn’t breath properly. I felt as though I was drowning in my feelings so to speak. Its a horrible feeling to have, but I finally broke down last night and had a good cry. I am feeling a little better today just very tired and emotionally drained. I also have zero motivation. But I’m grateful the lump in my throat is no longer there.

My biggest struggle when I have episodes like this is feeling like no one understands what I’m going through. My husband has no idea what to say, so he just smiles and rubs my back. Now when I was in labour this motion was fantastic! But when I’m feeling severely depressed, Its not so effective! He means well.. I spent the day on the couch binge watching Netflix trying to distract my mind from sad thoughts, and my body from crippling anxiety. And I’m now back in bed before 7pm. Sounds horrible right? BUT tomorrow is a brand new day and mumma is going out! Now I know your thinking heels loud music right? Its actually more like a trip to target for cot sheets and some new shoes but hey when your a mum a target trip is just as exciting as hitting the town hotspot! I am so excited. I’m excited to get my iced coffee, I’m excited to cruise up and down the isles, heck I’m excited to hear the store playlist!! I will beat this feeling, One shopping trip at a time. Haha joking! I have a doctors appointment the day after to get back on my medication. Lets hope I don’t over spend tomorrow.

 

My daughter doesn’t need an amazing mother, she needs a happy one!

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I love knowing my future

I have always been really in tuned with myself. Even when I was a child my nanna use to always tell me I would complain of a man standing in my room, or watching me have a bath. Very strange I know… I grew up in a house with a very spiritual parent, who had spiritual friends. I vividly remember my mothers friend doing my chart when I was a child, and she said to my mum, ‘she’s going to have a very hard life’ Well she certainly was not wrong. I had forgotten all about that side of me until a couple of years back.

Hubby and I had been back and fourth weather to try for a baby which any good woman knows can cause a few arguments. I woke one morning with this feeling in my stomach that would not leave me alone. It kept telling me I needed to see a psychic. So I did. She was good, not great but good enough for the time being. She told me she saw me having a little girl that summer. It was actually the next summer I had Evie. Fast forward to 2 years later again I had the feeling. I kept having very vivid dreams with certain messages that were just to real to ignore, so I booked with another psychic. She was a lot closer to my home and I fell in love. As soon as I walked in she said my hubby’s middle name. I left there feeling so amazing. I immediately came home and wrote it all down. This was only around 6 months ago. And again this feeling is starting to bother me. We are starting the process of looking into buying our family home. We took another drive out to the town last weekend. This time was a lot different. It was great, But someone from my past does live there, Which I happened to stubble across that information a little earlier in the week. (Was totally meant to happen) Its not a bad person or anything like that. But I would defiantly like to be reassured that all will be well for my family and myself moving there. I don’t want the awkwardness in the super market. Its a vert small town. So again I have booked in. This time is a via email reading. I just sent through a photo of myself and my full name. I am so very excited to see what comes through when she messages me tomorrow.

I always find having readings done so calming, I write it all down every time and whenever I’m feeling lost I reflect back on it and remind myself all is okay. And I leave it to the universe…

Have you had a reading done?

Mummy depression

I am one of the many people who have been diagnosed with severe depression. I have now however over come my dark hole and have found my light. When I was diagnosed I was 18, and I was living in a very dark place. I lived within the four walls of my bedroom. Literally.

We lived in a house where there was a separate shut off lounge, which also happened to have the front door entrance in, I turned that into my bedroom. Seeing as though I was shut off from the rest of the house. I lived my own little life within that room. I slept in it, I ate dinner in it, I even watched all of my television in it. I never got off my bed. My phone was glued to my hand because I lived through social media. Social media was my only outlet to the outside world. There were times where it would be weeks and I hadn’t been outside. I was constantly flat, Constantly crying, I had no motivation for anything. Even showering was an effort. With the help of doctors and a change of scenery I got better. I found my smile again, I started to laugh and began living. Also know as: I met my man and he changed my life.

Fast forward to seven years later, I do not have time to feel like that. I have to stay motivated and put together some what for my little girl. But I am finding these days that mummy depression is real. What is mummy depression you ask? When you find yourself wondering why you bother mopping the floors because they’ll just be dirty again tomorrow. It’s when you don’t even care that your skin is breaking out because no one is coming over and your not going anywhere. Its counting how long it’s been since you’ve showered but adding an extra day for the hell of it because lets be honest there’s no one to impress. Its your babies cry being the only reason your getting out of bed, and once she is settled thinking now what? Being a stay at home mum is so isolating. It’s lonely. You feel sad and your not sure why because being a mum is what you always wanted right? No one tells about the deafening silence during nap time. Or the constant picking up of toys to just step on the same ones 10 minuets later. And the guilt, can we just talk about the guilt for a second? It eats you alive. Nibbling at you as you watch your toddler watch her 3rd episode of care bears before 8am. Its looking out the window and seeing the sun shining knowing you should be at the park and inhaling fresh air but you just want a pyjama day because you’ve had no sleep.

The key is to find tiny things to break up your week. For example:

• Mondays, we stay home but I make sure we play in the backyard after lunch.
• Tuesdays, We go to the super market and I stock up on nappies and wipes for the week.
• Wednesdays, we go visit a friend or family member for the day.
• Thursdays, we stay home and I clean, we also play outside.
• Fridays we usually stay home as we go out Saturdays as a family.

Its a small boring schedule but it tends to break up my week so we have a little something to do everyday, Of course as Evie gets older we will go to the park or activities. But for now this is my mum life. Hopefully I don’t feel lost forever….

Cleaning out my wardrobe and my mind

This week has been all about cleaning. Cleaning out my wardrobe, my side table draws, the play room, even down to my kitchen junk draw. I always seem to go through these stages, I will just wake up one morning and start cleaning out everything. Making room for the new. I do the same with my mind a lot of the time. I will randomly find myself consumed with thoughts of things for example I’ve been obsessing over finding our dream home and its been causing me to have severe anxiety, I figure its time to get back to basics. I look around and I am grateful. Grateful to be able to have this roof over my head, even if it is rented. I look around and I am grateful for the beautiful bedroom suit we have, the one I hunted for and finally found. I am grateful that I now drive the type of mum car I wanted since I was a little girl, I am grateful I have a man who loves me, and lays that love out on the table everyday for me to see. Grateful for my little mini me who crawls around my home saying mumma, who looks at me with pure love in her eyes. I am grateful when I think back to where I came from, to where I am now. The difference is like heaven and hell.

Cleaning always seems to bring me back to reality, if I start to feel like life is crappy or reparative and I get stuck in a rut like I have been lately I clear out things like old clothes or papers I no longer need. I also try to do something new and creative. I started a dream journal. I always tend to receive messages in my dreams weather it be from my higher self or someone I know, someone is always trying to tell me something. I would like to be more in tune with that so hopefully the writing helps. I have been so emotionally challenged the past few days. Last Friday we took a drive out to the 2 towns we have been thinking about buying our home in. We have had these towns in our minds for quiet a while now so we decided to go spend some time out there and see what we thought. If we could see ourselves raising our family in it. It was such a strange experience, The minuet we left the towns I couldn’t wait to return home. I felt uneasy being there, and it did not feel right to say the least. Ever since then I have been anxious and second guessing our decision to try and buy out there. I’m hoping it all calms down when we get closer to buying. I defiantly don’t want to be renting in 10 years but the market is so ridiculous expensive we cant really afford to be to picky.

I think for now I will simply wait for the warm weather to come, set up Evie’s paddle pool and enjoy our backyard. The rest can wait….

Evie turns one!

Where did the time go? As I sit her watching her pull apart my ensuit as I try and quickly type this out. Where did that tiny baby that use to have an ear piercing scream go? Now she’s a tiny little menace. Into every single cupboard and draw in the house. Who casually eats corn on the cob one handed and chews steak.

We had a lovely day on Sunday though. We spent all of Saturday decorating our undercover area, and setting up tables and chairs. We had a massive spit roast and everyone made their own souvlakis. It was so simple. Little miss got spoilt, Even has a star named after her thanks to her aunty. The cake was perfect. And even though Evie is crying in most of the photos, it was still a nice day. Yesterday was her actual birthday. We just bummed around at home and ate ice cream cake after dinner. Once she was asleep hubby and I sat and wrote letters out for her to read on her 21st birthday. How in the world do I have a one year old? Second of all how am I almost 27? My 18th was last week! I will admit it is becoming so fun now. Watching her become a toddler. We play together a lot more now, and we can have hours of conversation. Although half the time she looks at me like ‘mum what are you on about?’ Its still the best time of my life. I use to always day dream about these days. Being out in the sun with my little princess, chasing butterflies and swinging on the swings and now its a reality.

I caught myself smiling the other night while driving my new car, and I thought to myself, I’m actually living my dream. All I wanted my whole entire life was a man who loves me unconditionally, someone I could be myself around. A child to love with no limits, and give the world to. A home to call my own, and a fancy mum car. I have all but the home, don’t get me wrong I am in no means ungrateful for the rental home we have now. But we defiantly want a home we can call our own and the stability for little Evie.

Fingers crossed we are in before her 2nd birthday.

Just the beginning

Hi everyone.. I know it’s been a while since I’ve put up a post. Life has just been so crazy the last couple of weeks trying to organise everything for Evie’s 1st birthday party coming up this weekend, and car shopping we’ve just been non stop. But we can finally tick the car off our list. We traveled for over an hour over the weekend to go see this car. We decided to go in and look separately because it was so windy and cold we didn’t want to take bub out of her car seat. I knew this was the car we were getting when hubby walked out with the biggest smile on he’s face. I hadn’t even seen it yet.

But that’s what we did. We purchased our new family car. I’m so excited to have a bigger boot and not to mention leather seats (so easy to wipe clean of teething rusk crumbs) we pick her up on Saturday. My shoulders feel a lot lighter. I’ve also made the decision to buy Evie a new car seat. As of now she is just in a convertible car seat, but forward facing. Our little girl is quiet tall and heavy. By no means is she fat she’s just super heavy. She was 9 pounds at birth. We have a mothers choice convertable seat which was perfect for rear facing but once you turn it around the head padding is suppose to come out. And I just don’t like the fact there is nothing around her head. Or back. Or bum. So while her seat now is in great condition, perfect for another baby? Is what I tell hubby. I’ve picked a beautiful top of the range seat with all the padding you can imagine even comes with a drink holder. Which ranges from 6 months to 8 years. Which is perfect as we won’t have to purchase a booster later on. For anyone wondering it’s called the Maxi Cosi Luna. It’s quiet expensive. But for me safety and comfort has no price.

We almost have everything done for her party on Sunday. I’ve just got to go and order balloons. Saturday is going to be absolutey crazy. Here is our to do list:

1. Get up early, drive over and hour and pick up the new car.
2. Pick up all of the meat, Turkish rolls and garlic sauce (we’re doing a spit)
3. Do a food shop for the grazing board.
4. Pick up cake
5. Pick up balloons
6. Set up tables and chairs
7. Scrub whole house top to bottom

This will all be done while trying to juggle nap times. I’m looking forward to this special day for our little girl but I’m also looking forward to having a few quiet weekends after it.

When did Evie become a 1 year old. Where was I?

Knowing the difference between wants and needs

So if you are up with my life right now, you’ll know about the second baby situation. We were so up in the air about it because we really wanted to purchase our forever home. But in a previous post I mentioned we had decided on both. This decision has not come easy to us, as life is just do damn expensive these days. It saddens me that these are our choices, Bring life into the world or not! Creating new life should not come down to money, but instead love and maybe weather your house is big enough. Not weather you can afford the extra food and bills. How times have changed. Some days I just want to become a hippy and stop shaving under my arms!

We are only around 6 months away from beginning our journey to finding our home, But first we must get through Evie’s 1st birthday and our first family holiday soon after. Which of course you guys will see. Before we make the leap and buy, We have discussed some of the changes we will have to make when we move in. Such as there will be no more Foxtel (pay tv) We’ve decided to keep Netflix purely because it has care bears and a mortgage will be the least of our worries if Evie no longer has her daily fix. We have already gotten into the habit of strictly shopping at Aldi which I’m now in love with. Have you tried their green tea facial scrub? Please do!! My skin has never been better. We will also be cutting out Friday night take away. Ill attempt to be cool and do ‘fake away’ but lets see how that actually goes. There will defiantly be a few pizza menus on the fridge. Clothes shopping will have to go. This one makes me so sad. It is my weakness. Since becoming a mum online shopping has become a hobby of mine. I actually know my delivery lady by first name! But our house has to come first.

Lately we have both been making list of what we need before we move. From towels and bedding to clothes. We have just finished Evie’s spring/summer wardrobe. And now we are working on our own. I’m only a few tops away from having my summer wardrobe done! Its amazing what having a baby does to your body. I find making lists helps us from drifting and making unnecessary purchases. Eg:

• Summer dress x 5
• Shorts x 2
• Summer hat
• Singlet tops x 4
• T-shirts x 3
• Summer sandals

Once our lists are complete. We will start to move on to home things, such as linen and kitchen ware. Because I love to cook we will invest in a good set of pots and pans. Thank god we upgraded the furniture after Evie arrived. We also Plan on upgrading the family car after Evie’s birthday. Its a V8 and I’m going through way to much fuel. Plus lets be honest I really want a mum car. Aka SUV. It will make our holiday so much easier, with packing. And having 2 kids one day. I just need one okay!? Do I need to give more reasons than I want to look cool? I think not.

And the count down begins. What did you upgrade recently?

 

The difference between mum and dad

Mothers are suppose to be nurturing and the ones bub runs to for comfort when they are afraid or have hurt themselves. Most of the time we are the prime care takers. We get them up in the mornings, we feed them, we dress them and we spend our days with them. It comes naturally to most of us. Sometimes not so much dads. They’re always asking us the simplest of questions. The classics I get are

1. Can you check the bath water temp?
2. Is the food cool enough?
3. What outfit do I put on her?
4. Does she look tired?

Sometimes I take having this knowledge for granted. And some days I get annoyed at the lack of common sense. It’s tough when we spend so much time getting out little ones into a set routine and then having to try and teach it to another person. Or having someone stuff it up for us. Nothing worse than if your baby misses that afternoon nap. It’s like having the devil run around your house. Bub is now almost 1 and she’s learned that she doesn’t like to sleep under her blankets anymore. We wake to find her in the oddest positions. She’s always in a sleeping bag so it’s no problem. My husband on the other hand looks at her like the tiny newborn she was 11 months ago. Every morning we go through the same conversation. ‘Just going to give her a kiss before I leave’ which I reply ‘do not f****** wake her. He sneaks in and of course notices she out of her blankets and always decides to rearrange her sleeping position and BOOM! She’s awake! He leaves 2 minutes later and my day is starting an hour earlier. Which of course throws out our entire day. Nap times, meal times ect.

Dads are like the naughty boy at school. They know the rules but they just have to break them!! No matter how many times you tell them, they’ll always look at us for the answers. For what food to feed their baby, what clothes to dress them in and what they can and can’t do. I’ll never forget the time I bought new nappies. They have little numbers on the front where the tab goes to tell you how tight they are. He brought her out with the nappy on backwards. When I asked him about it he’s reply was.. “no that’s right the size goes at the back just like pants” the look on he’s face was so serious.

Sometimes it’s amusing watching them try to figure it all out. But I know he does it with the utmost amount of love.

I’m sure as Evie grows she’ll look forward to those morning kisses from daddy.

Planning our best life

When I think of my childhood, I shutter and block it out. There were some nice bits. But unfortunately I was very lonely. I had parents who were to distracted to spend time with me. So now that Im a mother I want the opposite for my daughter. I mentioned in a previous blog, that we had come to the decision that it was either a house or another baby and it was something we were willing to sacrifice so our daughter would have the stability we never had.

Well I’ve decided to become a little bit of a diva. I want both! And not in the I get what I want type of way. I just don’t want to settle if I absolutely do not have to. While I was cooking dinner the other night hubby and I were discussing he’s day, and I had this overwhelming feeling all of a sudden, and I just spat out ‘are we done having kids? The poor man looked shocked. Our daughter is only 11 months old and I’m definitely not ready to be pregnant again with such a small baby depending on me. But as a woman I just need to know if I have to accept this decision. We sat talking over dinner about our finances and what we want.

A house is something we are definitely going ahead with. We will be ready as of next year. So that is something I can’t wait to take you all along with us. But a baby was something on the back burner. After having a long discussion I think we have come to the conclusion that we would just make it work. To me? My daughters happiness is worth more than money and I would feel blessed to give her a sibling. Plus I just don’t feel im done as a mother. If you know what I mean ladies… We’ve already chosen the town we would like to buy. It is about 40 mins from where we live now. It’s a smallish country town that’s quiet built up. But the main reason aside from money we chose this area, is because my 2 sisters and my brother live there. They all have children of their own and I want nothing more than my daughter and any future children to grow up with family and cousins. My sister also has a daughter Evie’s age and I can already tell they’re going to be best friends. My nephew is also born the same year as the girls and I can already imagine them going off to kinder and school together. Just think of the awesome sleep overs we would have? This is the life we want for our family. Although things dont always go to plan, I hope we can get a little of our dream come true.

We are in a rental right now, and these days with the market we will be paying the same amount of rent we could be paying for a mortgage. So it makes sense to do this. Plus I can paint the house pink if I want to and not get into trouble. We had to baby proof our home this week. As Evie is starting to pull up on everything. We were even nervous to put the baby gates up as we had to drill into the wall. But we just don’t have a choice. I’m not having my daughter fall down steps. So now when we move I will have to have those tiny little holes filled up before we leave. Such a hassle. And expensive.. I am so excited for this new chapter of our lives.

Do you rent or own? What was your buying experience like?